Get ready for the weirdest sex toys you can find. I’m not here to kink-shame anyone–just think of this as a museum of kinks you didn’t know existed and (I have to assume) a couple of manufacturing mistakes because: yikes.

The title kind of says it all.

Foot fetishes are very common and perfectly fine so it makes complete sense that there are toys out there to satisfy these desires. That’s not weird to me. What’s weird is the part where they stuck a vulva on the foot. The idea of putting a dick inside of a foot is just a lot to handle psychologically for me.

This silicone Foot Fetish Left Foot has a sculpted vagina masturbator on the sole of each foot. 

But, hey, if that’s your thing they have a toy for you. I may be missing out on something here because there are a lot of these toys including some with the vulva in the ankle. 

If you’ve got a foot fetish and don’t need to insert yourself inside of the foot, there are loads of great hyper-realistic silicone feet meant for product modeling that you can do with as you please. 

How about bringing a little pink glass tentacle into bed with you?

I understand this is pretty strange in general but I know tentacle porn is a very real and extensive thing so this doesn’t seem that odd to me. I feel like that might say some things about me. I’m fine with that. 

Glass is a nice choice for this type of toy because the nubs (suckers) stand out against how smooth the rest of the toy is. Glass glides like nothing else so the texture play here will be nicely pronounced. It’s handmade but you might not want to think too much about that. 

It’s not too big and has a lovely curve in it for reaching your G-spot. 

Am I the only creeped out by the Naughty Nibbler? It’s an oral sex stroker that has teeth. I get the realism factor but also there are semi-hard teeth stuck in there and, according to reviews, sometimes the teeth fall out during use. This does not sound like a nice time to me. 

But what do I know? I’m not the target audience here, so if you’re looking for a TPR stroker with teeth for an ultra-realistic feel (as long as the teeth stay in) then this might be your jam. 

Ever wanted to bang a tennis ball? Now you can. Score Stroker Balls by Linx have a set of three sleeve toys in the shape of a tennis ball, a golf ball, and a soccer ball. They come in a reusable mesh bag that will bring you back to your gym class days. I know those memories are totally the ones that really get me in the mood.

I suppose if you’re trying to keep things discrete, then a bag of balls somewhere in your bedroom or bathroom will certainly raise fewer eyebrows than an explicit stroker, but with closer inspection, I think they’ll wonder why the balls have holes in them. 

As far as strokers go, they’re stretchy, nubbed, and waterproof for shower full. For the price, you’re in for a treat. Just be sure to yell, “Goal!” I guess? Or “fore”? Or I guess there’s always the classic tennis grunt. 

I’m uncomfortable. 

Ever have the hots for an entire fish–specifically a carp? Here you go. There is certainly lots of texturing here with the body covered in raised scales, longer ribbed gills, dorsal and pelvic fins, and (of course) two big bulging fish eyes. It’s holding something in its mouth but I can’t tell what it is. It could be a pearl or fishing weight or the last shreds of my sanity. 

Its ribbed tail fans out to become the flared suction cup base making it good for solo play as well as backdoor fish action.

I can’t help but think: that can’t be good for the fish. Like, that fish isn’t making it out of this encounter alive. 

This 7.8-inch long tongue with realistic texturing is described as a “creative tongue lick dildo” and creative sure is one word for it. I have others.

If you’ve got fantasies of sleeping with aliens or monsters (which are pretty common or else try explaining 90 percent of hentai) or are really into the band Kiss, I could see this being right up your alley.  

It has subtle curves to it for stimulating all sorts of areas and a suction cup base for attaching to any flat, solid surface. It’s suggested for anal play as well but I’d make sure that suction cup base isn’t too flimsy to be safe for butt stuff. I can’t tell from the photos and I like you people but not enough to buy this thing and bring it into my home. 

Keep in mind, this isn’t silicone so it can’t be boiled or sterilized. It’s made of non-toxic PVC which is a decent material as long as you keep the toy clean. 

That said, there are plenty of higher-end silicone tongues if you’re so inclined. 

I know plenty of good, averagely-kinky folks who are into fisting but that still doesn’t mitigate my initial creep-out factor when I see a this fisting toy that’s a cast of a human arm. It’s just a lot to take in. (That’s a little fisting pun for you right there.)

Fisting is a practice that seems like it would be on the margins but is, again, more common than you’d think. There have been informative how-to articles for fisting on even Women’s Health Magazine and Cosmo.

It’s been brought up to me, regarding these toys, that the majority of us already have a hand, two even, but the angle of going solo is a real hassle. These toys are great if you’re interested in fisting but not ready to do it with a partner. It takes time to stretch and acclimate to something of this size so this makes for a good practice tool to work up to it over time. 

Keep in mind that this isn’t silicone so it can’t be sterilized and it’s not extra firm so it can be on the floppy side. 

It offers 14 inches of insertable length. If that’s a bit much, there’s also Belladonna’s Magic Hand, an 11-inch realistic hand with the fingers more pointed for easier insertion.

There are so many animal penis replicas on Amazon with everything from elephants to horses to wolves to elk to kangaroos.

I don’t even have to explain why this is weird because you should not have sex with animals. Let’s all get on board with that. Animals cannot give legal consent, end of story.

Fun fact: did you know that bestiality isn’t illegal in all 50 states? Because I did not until today. There are four states that have not criminalized bestiality: West Virginia, Wyoming, New Mexico, and Hawaii. Get with it, friends.

However, fantasizing about having sex with animals or wanking with replicas isn’t illegal. Is that appealing to me personally? Not even a little–but if it’s not hurting anyone, have fun with it. 

These are great for furries and anyone interested in monster or beast sex. Keep in mind, some of these are life-sized, meaning they’re huge. That can be a plus or a minus depending on what you’re into.

Someone has gone and combined two of our favorite weird toys: giant tongues and beast-kink. And that brings us to MINGKU’s Wolf Tongue. The 10-inch silicone toy has a 9.25-inch insertable rippled pink wolf tongue and a flared, suction cup base in the shape of a dog’s muzzle with a detailed nose, lips, whisker bumps, and teeth. 

The tongue has a disturbingly realistic tongue texture with teeny raised tastebud bumps on the top side and a smoother, slick underside complete with a frenulum. 

It’s impressively rendered and if this ticks all the boxes of your kink, then it’s well worth the money. There are also several color options to choose from.

It’s the arms for me. How you gonna look at this Dragon by Umania with their tiny little hands and sweet .smile and think, “Yeah, I’d sit on that.” They even made the base look like its curled-up little body to make it harness and bottom-safe. 

Like, I can understand a toy that’s supposed to be a mythical dragon dong. It’s not my thing, but I can make the mental leap of the appeal. This is just an entire little dragon. Like, did they watch Mulan and see Mushu and immediately see the possibility of putting his entire body inside their body? If so, I applaud you for making your fantasies a reality.

I kind of love this little guy. It’s adorable. 10/10 would pet and baby talk to like it was real. 0/10 would not have sex with.

This one will haunt me. Labeled The Orgy Machine, this realistic vulva and flicking mouth sleeve is supposed to simulate being with two people at once. That’s a goal I can get behind. However, and this is a big however, why is there a mouth inside it? 

What sort of threeways have the designers been having that you can slip into a vulva and there’s a mouth on the other side? I’m just going to put this out there: if there is a mouth inside your body directly on the other side of your bits to greet whatever comes through, no shame, but please do seek medical care. I’m worried about you.

Joking aside, the sleeve and mouth toy can be used together or separately. They’ve taken the 90s staking point pencil approach to sleeves on this one and that just makes me giggle as a Millennial. 

If you’ve ever watched your favorite fantasy movies and thought, “Man, I wish I could really ride that basilisk all the way to my bedroom,” you’re in luck. (It also comes in a glow-in-the-dark version.)

There is a wide range of mythical creature dildos to be found on Amazon if you know where to look. Interestingly enough, compared to real animal replicas, the mythical toys seem to be consistently made of quality silicone. Good on you, mythical beast lovers.

For fantasy nerds, you can get toy versions of a basilisk, unicorn, as well as several versions of dragon from flesh-toned to neon green and scaley–which, I’ll be honest, looks more like a grub than something I’d like to sit on.

I would also include this rooster dil here because roosters do not have a peen. I came across this toy and I had to double-check and nope, they do not have this organ. I Googled. I looked at pictures. I was sad about it. You’re welcome.

Cryptid fanatics and horror fans can enjoy the substantial loving of this Monster, Alien, or Murloc from WoW.  

That sure is an insertable elephant’s trunk cast in PVC, complete with two mini tusks and a bottom jaw. I’m actually pretty impressed by the realistic textures on here. The wrinkles on of the elephants hide are spot on and get closer together toward the end just like on a real elephant.

That said, this sure is a toy I never thought existed but, honestly, that’s on me. With how much people love tentacles, I should have known elephant noses were next.

But isn’t this how the elephant breathes? Can you imagine if it sneezed? I know I wish I had never imagined that and now I have forced my pain upon you.

I really feel like if you use this, the World Wildlife Fund shows up on your doorstep the next day and asks you to return all the cute panda bear and tiger shirts you wore growing up.

This elephant trunk toy is available in this pink-purple color, black, and a peachy flesh tone because I wasn’t already going to have nightmares. 

When the actual product images feature a live lizard, you know you’ve crossed over into strange territory. They have to be aware of how alien this thing looks or else why put a gecko on it? 

The Tri-brator is a triple-stimulation toy with internal, backdoor, and external segments. There are four vibration motors, one in the front, one in the back, and two in the realistic central shaft. The external c-spot stimulator looks like a horror movie monster tentacle with alarming spikes that I am not personally interested in.

It’s rechargeable and made of silicone so it’s easy to sterilize in case you ever let your pet gecko crawl around on it. 

This is how far down the rabbit hole I’ve gone: a dildo that looks like a realistic ear of corn? Sure, why not. That’s not that weird. But when you make it in a skin-tone, I am getting off the boat and setting the dock on fire. 

It’s not pictured here, but if you click through you will see that it also has a suction cup base and balls. Corny, corny balls. 

I’m sorry, but this just looks like someone has contracted a horrible alien virus. It doesn’t make me want to get busy, it makes me want to call the CDC. 

That said, if you’re all about textures, this toy has it. There are more little stimulating nubs on this than I’ve seen in a good long while. It’s quite flexible and the suction cup base is handy for sticking to shower walls, bathtubs, headboards, or any flat surface. 

It’s made of PVC silicone so it isn’t 100 percent silicone and may have that classic toy smell at first. It’s 7.8 inches long in total (maybe six insertable) and 1.65 inches in diameter.

It’s available in this fleshy peach tone and black.

Is this Glass Candy Cane Toy extremely weird? Yes. Do I still own it? Yes, I do.

I couldn’t resist. It’s hilarious. This is certainly the most festive toy I’ve ever owned and it makes me laugh every time I see it. It’s good to bring some silliness in the bedroom. This toy is surprisingly nice, though too smooth and small for some, and both sides are useable. The curved side makes it a G-spot toy.

Plus, during the holidays, you can leave it out on your coffee table and everyone would think it’s an innocent decoration.  

Sometimes the more discreet a toymaker tries to go, the stranger things get. L’intimate is a lint roller that comes apart to reveal a vibrator hidden inside. 

The lint roller works and accepts universal replacement strips when you run out. On one hand, as far as a way to hide your vibrator, it’s doing what it set out to do. But on the other hand, you put your vibrator in a lint roller and that’s not your typical toy storage.

As odd as it seems to me, if the only way for you to have a vibrator is by hiding it, then I’m glad this exists. It’s delivered in discreet packaging as well. 

The included vibe is a classic seven-inch plastic vibe that takes two AA batteries which are not included. It’s insertable but not anal safe. Just make sure you remove the batteries before storing the vibe because either the extra weight or the accidental vibrations will give you away.

Lean right into the stereotype with MOI’s Gemüse collection which includes this Vibrating Silicone Cucumber. It’s modeled after one of those long, skinny hot house cumbers and has realistic bumps and curves. Veggie insertables are one thing but this one vibrates with three intensity levels and seven vibration functions to choose from. It’s splashproof so it’s suitable for shower use but not for bringing into the pool.

Gemüse means “vegetable” in German (going by the Cambridge Dictionary) and they have several different options for your veggie sexy time including The Corn Cob which looks like a nightmare to clean.

We’ve already looked at fisting toys that are life-size silicone versions of hands so this shouldn’t be a big deal, but the Thumbs-Up Teaser is small–and that’s creepy.

I have small hands (I’m 5’2″) and this thing is less than half the size of my hand. It’s a tiny little hand, with tinier fingers, and one huge, uncannily disproportional thumb that vibrates. I’m not going to go as far as to say outright why it’s creepy that this is a tiny hand but you can go ahead and come to that same conclusion pretty easily. Let’s not kid ourselves. 

It’s silicone, waterproof, and rechargeable, but you couldn’t pay me. 

There’s a thing called a Wartenburg Pinwheel which is a metal spiky wheel used by neurologists to create a painful sensation and test the patient’s nerve function. It’s also been cooped by Dom/mes for sensation play, and rightfully so because it looks like a medieval torture device. That’s all I can see here.

The Lingua (Latin for “tongue”) is a dual stimulation toy with a vibrating insertable end and an external stimulator made up of a rotating wheel of silicone tongues. I have watched a video of this thing on the EdenFantasys website and it really just spin around like a pinwheel. The tongues don’t appear to bend when they hit the finger in the video making me a little nervous to let this thing windmill itself on my bits.

Not gonna lie, it is intriguing because it’s so different from any other toy out there but I’m not about to pull the trigger yet. It’s made of body-friendly silicone and is rechargeable.

This Metal Hook Probe is designed to slip into your bottom and then the top of it has an eyehole that can be tied onto the tie-down of your choice to keep things interesting. Think slaughterhouse hooks, but your butt. The free end can be attached by rope to your hair, neck, hands, or other bondage structure so that any movement, moves the hook. 

The stainless steel metal is easy to sterilize and hypoallergenic. 

I’ll be honest, I don’t think this is even that weird anymore. I’ve never used one myself but I have seen them used (R.I.P. Tumblr) so does that mean I should reevaluate my life choices? Maybe. My partner has assured me that this thing is far, far from normal. 

And here we have the Oral Vibro Enhancer. If I had to make a list of the top 20 times I’ve felt the least sexy, taking out a mouthguard in front of a partner would be up there. But to be fair, I’ve never tried it while the mouthguard was vibrating. 

This toy is a mouthguard with a vibe on the front of it that rests against your upper lip in order to enhance your oral game. In theory, that could be fun especially for people who need vibration to get off. 

All I can think about it is that it’s going to send vibrations through my whole nose and sinus cavity and I’m eventually going to have a sneezing fit. And that is not going to be fun for anyone involved. 

Thar the Double Whale blows, ready to get freaky. I’m pretty sure that’s a direct quote from Moby Dick.

Whales are one of my favorite animals and I’ve got nothing against C-shaped vibes. (I recently got to try out We-Vibe’s Chorus and I definitely recommend it.) But this one is designed to look like a whale with its mouth open and it’s all a little too Monstro for me. 

Look at its tiny eye. This whale is so jazzed to nom down on your bits and while I’m sure this is the cutest thing to some people, I am not here for it. 

If you haven’t tried one, C-shaped vibes are meant for dual-stimulation during solo or partner play. One half is inserted and the other is right in position for clit stimulation. There is a motor on either end of this whale and there are 11 vibration patterns to play with.

It’s rechargeable and fully waterproof–which is good seeing as it’s a whale.

With this Rotating Rabbit Vibrator, we’ve moved away from obscure kinks and into the realm of inexplicable design. 

This is supposed to be a rabbit vibe but has this person ever seen a vulva? In what world does this work? The toy has two ends: a vibrating and thrusting dildo end and one that looks like a motorboat propeller. 

The shaft-shaped part is supposed to thrust which to me sounds like it’s the G-spot portion of the toy but if you were to insert that anywhere near your G-spot, that pin-wheel end is nowhere near your clit. Not even close.

Maybe the propeller is for your butt? That’s not a sentence I was ever prepared to write.

If you flip it around and attempt the propeller internally you’ve got a better chance of the vibe being useable but that sounds nightmarish. 

It has a cute remote control, is rechargeable, and affordable so if you can see a way to make this work, be my guest. Count me out.

This Finger Vibe looks less like a good time and more like a threat. Does this not look horrifying to anyone else? It’s covered in little spikes that look more like the tread of a brand new tire than anything I’d want near my bits.

Sure, it’s made of soft plastic, but let’s be clear–soft plastic toys aren’t great for you either so now they’re trying to tempt me into getting down with a pointy-looking health hazard. No thanks. 

The Mini Marvels Marvelous Teaser gives new meaning to being a tree-hugger. It’s a leaf. It looks like someone took a big chunk off of their aloe plant and they don’t even have a sunburn. 

For the unique take on design, this is a quality-made toy. It’s waterproof, chargeable, and made of body-safe silicone. It has 10 different vibration strengths and functions. It’s also economically designed to fit your hand like a computer mouse with two user-friendly buttons on top–also like a mouse.

The Cocksicle is exactly what it sounds like: a popsicle meant for insertion into the body but not in the usual way. The vibe is designed to look like a sweet summer treat complete with layered stripes and a popsicle stick-like handle.

Unlike your typical popsicle, this one has seven vibration patterns and is splashproof, rechargeable, and made of body-friendly silicone. It packs a surprising amount of power and works both internally and externally.

Quick reminder, please keep your popsicle exploits to the silicone variety. Play sessions involving real popsicles are bad news for your bits and disastrous to your personal biome. Scary Mommy goes over all the particulars. Just don’t do it.

If it’s temperature play you’re after, go with glass toys which can be warmed in water or put in the fridge or freezer (if you can stand it).

I haven’t personally had a fantasy about a small rodent performing oral sex on me, but apparently, that’s a thing or else how do you explain this Squirrel Sucking Toy?

Real talk, air pleasure toys that simulate sucking are out of this world if you have a clitoris. I have the We-Vibe Melt and it’s solidly my favorite toy I have ever tried.

That part of this toy isn’t strange and it very likely would feel amazing to use–but it’s weird when it’s a squirrel. Look at the little squinty eyes, shut in concentration. This squirrel is trying so hard and that’s not what I want to be thinking about. 

In addition to the air pleasure squirrel mouth (not a phrase I ever thought I’d use) the squirrel’s tail is insertable and vibrates with 10 different power settings. What a sentence. I need a shower.

It’s odd, but it’s made fairly well. Your little squirrel buddy is made of body-safe silicone and has a magnetic induction charger so the entire toy is sealed and waterproof, meaning it’s safe to use in the bathtub. 

If you like your toys to be cute, this might be for you.

Happy birthday! That is what is printed on the top of this toy because it is a birthday cake of vulvas. 

This would be a hilarious gift to plop on top of a normal birthday cake as the top tier provided it was an adult-only party.

This four-pound cake tier has seven holes, each with a different vulva and unique texturing inside the passage so each one will feel different. For a weird cylinder, the detail on this thing is surprisingly good. They feature labia of many shapes and sizes which is nice.

The pictures of the inside of the channels look way more like medical images you might stumble across on Google compared to the typical peach-pink geometric texturing inside most sleeves. It kind of looks like it would be a great toy–it’s just also a weird birthday cake. 

I can’t look at The Holey Trinity vibe and not see the Olympic Torch. No one should ever allow me to own this toy because I’d bound into the bedroom holding it aloft shouting for the games to begin. 

This rechargeable toy with three silicone tongues is designed for three-way stimulation. It has a vibrating center tongue and two oscillating clit and backdoor smaller tongues. I love the punny name of Holey Trinity, but I can’t stop seeing a torch. 

I’m less interested in the weirdness of the shape of Unicorn Horn Dildo and more in what the set up of the fantasy is here. Is there a unicorn standing there jabbing you with its head? Or have you cut off the horn of one of the most beautiful creatures ever imagined to get your jollies? 

I have always loved unicorns and I happen to like spiral-ribbed toys, though less pointy would be better for me if I’m honest. Here’s the thing, I don’t think I could ever enjoy this toy because I’d get stuck thinking, “Wait, how did this unicorn horn get here?” 

So if you have a slightly less intense imagination and don’t get hung up on the narrative, this is a lovely handmade silicone toy that supports an American small business.

Or if you have fantasies in which you are a unicorn poacher, you’re set.

It comes in Sunlight (white), Twilight (black and dark blue), and Rainbow Agate (dark rainbow swirl.)

Well, if you’re going for a vibe you could pass off as something innocent, the Wicked Bunny can certainly pass for a kid’s toy. But does it pass too well? I really think so.

Its eyes and nose are the control buttons, for goodness sake. And its face lights up with LEDs in time to the vibrations. This vibe is too cute. I don’t want it to see me with my clothes off. 

I don’t know about you but the most desirable feature in a butt plug in my opinion is that it’s clear and lit from within showing off anything your backdoor prep may have missed. This Glass Glow-in-the-Dark Plug from EdenFantasys is made of body-safe glass swirled with glow-in-the-dark specks for a galaxy and stars type of luminescence. There’s nothing I like more than butt luminescence. (Luminas-sence if you will.)

But hey, this might be your thing. It’s certainly pretty.

If your biggest turn-on is penguins and Happy Feet is the hottest movie you’ve seen, the Satisfyer Pro Penguin completes your Friday night. It’s a clit sucking vibe from one of the original brands who spearheaded this style of vibe so the action of it is going to be satisfying but the shape? That’s where I get off the boat. 

The suction section is right where the penguin’s face would be–because that’s not super weird at all. In case the bowtie is a bit much, it’s removable but honestly, is the bowtie really the last straw here? (It might be.)

This creamy lube is designed to look and feel like ejaculate which I acknowledge is pretty weird, but I would also buy this product.

It’s a water-based lubricate that’s creamy with a stringy factor that resembles semen. It has a good slip to it for penetration and isn’t obnoxiously sticky like some other brands. 

This is great for those who are really into visuals and think clear lubes could be hotter. It’s a good choice for cam girls or other folks who do modeling and it’s perfect for folks who use ejaculating dildos as it looks like the real thing. 

The lube is unscented and doesn’t have a strong taste. It comes in three sizes so you can try out a small one first.

For those who want the option to vibe anytime and anywhere, there’s the Vesper necklace by Crave. It’s a fully functional, rechargeable bullet vibrator with settings for low, medium, high, and pulsing. 

It’s minimal enough that you could wear it and only people who have one (or have read this list) know what it is. That makes for a fun, dirty little secret to wear. 

The body of the toy is stainless steel. The top screws off so you can leave the necklace portion on and go straight to the fun stuff without messing with a clasp. 

It’s small but mighty with some fairly serious vibes coming from this little thing. 

The Vesper comes in three tones, this stainless steel with rose gold plated cap, plain stainless steel, and stainless steel fully plated in 24 karat gold.

Look, I get that some people need to have discreet vibes for privacy reasons or for travel, but if you’re going to get a discreet vibe, get a discreet vibe. Have you ever gone into a Sephora and seen lipstick with devil horns? Or a little silicone crown? Come on. 

Sure, La Rouge includes an interchangeable plain, realistic lipstick tip as well but if you’re storing or traveling with the other, more fun tips, the jig is up. 

I personally cannot relate to wanting to be on either end of this vibrating extension toy. I neither want nor want to interact with a dick that looks like it’s caught some grisly disease and grown gnarly flesh nubbins like really tall warts. No thank you.

In case you’re into that, it’s an extension so it’s worn over your body to increase length and add new features you aren’t born with like vibration and, in this case, skin spikes. It’s made with Realskin TPE so it can’t be sterilized the same way silicone can–but can you imagine putting a condom over this thing?

The extension is upside-down in the photo here so there are two openings for the shaft and for your balls creating a more secure fit.

If you’re all about efficiency, Sexy Tina delivers as a vaginal, breast, and mouth stroker all in one.  That does mean that it’s going to look like she has boobs for eyes and a vulva where her sternum should be but if that works for you, who am I to judge?

The face has a soft nose and lips with a pink tongue and top and bottom teeth for extra realism. Yup, I said teeth. You can remove the teeth for comfort and keep in mind that if you don’t they might just fall out with vigorous use. The vulva doesn’t have great detail on the exterior but does have some pretty intense textures in the passage. 

It’s a heavy 7.3-pound silicone toy that you can use hands-free. That is, as long as you’re okay with a body-part mish-mash. 

Okay, so I had to download the PDF manual for this because I didn’t want to believe how I thought this Urethral Ball Plug Ring worked. I was right the first time but I was really hoping I wasn’t. 

The ring fits over your glans and the little ball on the hook, with I assume an outrageous amount of lube, is inserted into the urethra like a little stopper to plug it up. It’s designed to work with climax-control play and edging. 

As someone without the required anatomy, all I can say is ouch, but you do you.

This is The Butterfly Effect. Anyone else freaked out by the idea of a butterfly rocking a huge hard-on? I hate it. I can’t look at this and not imagine it flying toward me and, boy, that’s sure a nightmare. 

But hey, if your kink is randy butterflies that are disproportionately gifted, Evolved has you covered. Now, I love Evolved toys. Their vibrations are so deep and rumbly so I’m betting this toy is fantastic–I’m just stuck on the design. It’s rechargeable, made of body-safe silicone, and controlled with a wireless remote. 

I will admit this Glass Pink Carrot is cute, but why are people so investing putting vegetables in their bodies?

This is a sweet glass toy for beginners because it’s so smooth, rather narrow, and doesn’t look intimidating or overly sexual.

It says it’s good for anal play but that leafy section does not look wide enough for safe anal play and you don’t want this getting stuck up there.

This Textured Glove is half brilliant and half terrifying. Made of rubbery TPR, it changes the texture of each finger for more interesting jobs of all types. It works for both left and right hands and stretches to fit nearly any hand size.

But also, it’s a bit creepy. I’m trying to imagine putting this on while a partner watched and not feeling obligated to cackle like a Bond villain. Then again, maybe that’s what you’re into. 

My main issue is that it’s made of TPR so you can’t properly sterilize it the way you can with silicone toys. Be sure to pair this with condoms for safer play.

Someone let the Steampunk community create Steampunk Vibrators and I am here for it. This line of classic bullet vibes has three different metallic colors and three different Steampunk patterns: Copper with tentacles, gold with clockwork butterflies, and silver with floral gears.

These are no-nonsense, plastic battery-powered bullets that are about 3.5 inches long and have 10 power settings. Batteries are included. 

The paw of a pussy for your own? I love my pets, but, you know, not that way so I’m not super interested in getting off with an animal paw, no matter how cute and pink the toe beans are.

And they are extremely cute I have to admit. 

It’s called a Pretty Kitty Bullet and it’s a classic plastic bullet vibe with a silicone cat-paw sleeve on it. It operates with a simple dial to crank vibrations up and down. It’s a simple vibe powered by two AA batteries (not included) and, like most cats, it isn’t waterproof doesn’t want to be with you in the bathtub.

Don't panic! There's nothing wrong with that. Instead, be excited you've come upon an opportunity to explore something you didn't know you might want to explore.

Suprise kinks crop up sometimes and can lead to some fun, satisfying evenings. As long as you're being safe, sane, and consensual, there's no harm in giving it a try. 

These toys exist for a reason.

There's a market for each and every one of them and that's fine.

Study after study has shown that what used to be thought of as rare and deviant sexual behavior has turned out to be pretty typical.

The Fifty Shades of Grey phenomenon has blown that wide open. (Just don't use that as a blueprint for your own kinky life because there is a mile-long list of problems in the books and movies that will get you in trouble or even injured--like their use of spreader bars.)

The Smithsonian rounded up several studies that all show that not only are people kinkier than we thought, but Americans are significantly kinkier than the world overall. According to a 2005 survey, 36 percent of Americans were actively into kink practices compared to the worldwide average of 20 percent. 

There's this idea that people who are into freaky stuff in the bedroom must be mentally disturbed. That's completely not the case. A 2006 article published in the Journal of Psychology and Human Sexuality studied a group of people from the kink community and found the proportion of mental health issues (including depression, anxiety, and personality disorders) was comparable to what the DSM estimates as the general average. 

Kinky folks are normal, average folks.

Kink-shaming is making (or trying to make) someone feel bad about their proclivities or fetishes. Saying people who do X, Y, Z type of things are sick or messed up is kink-shaming. So is saying such and such act is gross. 

And that's not cool. Everyone is into different stuff and that's fine and healthy. I don't like white chocolate but it would be silly to call people who do like white chocolate nasty names, right?

Okay, it's really easy. Repeat after me: Your kink is not my kink but your kink is okay.

That is the general rule. There are people who are into sex stuff that you may find weird, strange, or even repulsive.

There are also probably folks who are turned off by the stuff you like. And that's okay. We don't have to all be the same. That would be boring. 

For example, I have a phobia of balloons. (It's a little odd but true.) At the same time, I know there are full communities of people who have a balloon fetish. While that sounds like a nightmare to me, I also think it's pretty neat that as humans we have such a range of interactions with simple objects like a balloon.

Their kink is not my kink but their kink is okay. Simply live and let live without making judgments.

One, I'm sorry, that sucks. 

Two, that says infinitely more about them than it does about you. 

If it helps, unfortunately, people are going to get shamed by someone for whatever way they're choosing to get down. It's not just people on the fringes who get judged.

LGBTQ folks get shamed for their preferences. There are cultural and religious communities that have loads of shame around oral acts. 

A heterosexual couple having the most vanilla, loving, textbook-standard intimacy you could think of will be shamed based on their marital status. 

If people know about it, they're probably going to have some judgment or another about how you get your rocks off so you might as well do the things you actually enjoy.

For the purposes of clarity, I have used the medical-textbook terms for our anatomy in the above. Please substitute whatever language you use for your sexy parts. Sex toys aren't gendered.

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